Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
