Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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