Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
