We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
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She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
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My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
This toilet bowl is my home.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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