she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
