I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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