If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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