Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
