i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
