I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
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I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
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Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.