This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
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I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative