when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.