There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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