i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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