I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
