Im at strip club and am horny
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I need to calm my uterus...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
