The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
