Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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