Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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