so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
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