then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
