mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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