almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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