I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
