I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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