The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
