just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
