best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
