I think i sorta joined a cult last night
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
