Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
