1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
this hospital has no fireball
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
