Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Dicks are not precious.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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