New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Everyone says I win the strip club
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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