I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
