Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
