mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
