Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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