You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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