i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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