I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
