Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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