You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
