If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
