oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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