You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
the condom got lost in my hair
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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