my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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