you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
