The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
