The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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