Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
