Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
