Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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