They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
