when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
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I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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