I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
