Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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