hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
