Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
