I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
